Despair
by DazzlingSince1901
Summary: When Edward left in the begining of New Moon, what happened? He comes back and claims that he was unusable for most of the time but what really happened?
1. 3 days later

**Disclaimer: I have not read Twilight and have no idea who Edward is (for who this applies to, got shoot yourself in the foot)**

EPOV

It has only been three long, miserable days, of pacing. I stood in that demeaning room, watching it sway with my anguish. Every once in a while I would sit down to momentarily rest, only to find myself in my own thoughts as they swirled and turned around her beautiful face, twisted in confusion, horror, and pure misery. The way I left her face. I quickly got up and continued pacing, not bearing the thought of her again.

She kept leaking through, popping into my thoughts at first sign of weakness. And then sliding away from me, taking a piece of me with her.

_I'm so sorry, I…I'm sorry._

I stood there…not hearing a thing, not seeing, not trying. Another wave of realization hit, strong as the first realization was, when I left her. There was no more soft heartbeat to hear, no more blush in her cheeks to see, nothing to try for. I had left her. Against all the need I had for her, I left her.

_I can't live like this. I have to do something…_

Anger hit me. Why did I leave? What was wrong with me? How am I supposed to live now?

I headed for the door, not needing to move far in that small space, trying to unbolt the door from its hinges. It wouldn't budge. I tried again and failed. I regathered all the remaining strength I had, the nonexistent strength, and rammed my whole self against the door, breaking through and running, running towards Forks, 5,000 miles away.

"Jasper?"

I stopped running, slowed, and stood still, waiting for the familiar voice to answer me.

"Edward, you can't honestly be trying to reach…her are you?"

He was being very careful not to use her name.

"I have to, she, I, and her and I need, and..."

"Edward Cullen… turn around, and begin walking."

There was an authority in his voice that made me lift me head and look at him. His eyes were black, midnight. In them I saw the hostile Jasper, the one that a week ago had tried to kill her. The hungry one. The one that reminded me why I left. The one that reminded me why I locked myself in a room and wouldn't feed myself. The one and only one that contained me from running to Forks now and taking her home with me. The one I will forever owe a debt to.

His eyes where pleading, yet had a sense of knowledge to them. Age.

I stared right back unable to muster enough strength to defy him. He was right and he knew it. He could see the pain of knowledge that showed on my face. He could see that he had won. His eyes lost their pleading and only held age. They watched me give up and die inside.

Feeling defeated, I groped back to the small room, not being able to see anything. He watched me with worry as I barley opened the door and re lock myself in, not finding the strength or the desire to go on longer. I felt as dead as always all anger gone. No more want to fight back. I let it consume me, the despair. I let it flood through my non-exitant veins and pour its after shock on me. The world had gone dark, the world holding nothing of interest for me anymore.

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	2. 1 month later

**Disclaimer: What the hell is a Twilight?**

EPOV

I could feel the cold metal in my hands, smell the rust coming from the ground, and hear the slow drops of water that trickled from the broken pipe, half out of the ground.

_drip...drop...drip...drop..._

I might have been able to see the pipe, if i could see anything but her face. Perhaps if i could see the pipe i would be able to stop the persistant dripping from the ground, if i could see. My eyes seemed to be clouded with unseeingness.

I had found a numb emotional shell to crawl into whenever i needed to. I used it to keep bad thoughts, hurtful thoughts, at bay.

I was numb.

The sudden burst of anger that periodically washed through a few days earlier started the dripping. Jasper ended it. The small holes and dents on the walls were also a result of my...emotions.

I curled my legs closer to my body as another wave hit me. The metal thing clanked from my hands, onto the floor. If i could see clearly, i would have seen my reaction to Alice before. If i could see clearly...

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JPOV

I had once again been assigned to watch over him. The rest of the Cullens couldn't calm Edward if he got out of control. It was becoming a full time job. Mostly the only disturbances I got was the occasionaly clanking of metal, or crashing noise when the floor was smashed against his fist. Other than his small anger waves, nothing really came from him.

I could feel as the days had gone by, the slow, emotionless, numb shell he had created around himself. He was trying to fight his emotions, keep them at bay. Earlier he had figuered out that numbness was easier to cope with than the mood swings that occured prior to this new...thing.

He had yet to feed. It has been 1 month. He was beyond the point of hunger, he was numb, totally uncabable of any more hunger.

Only once did I feel signifigance.

3 days ago, Alice came to visit me... With her she brought the normal thoughts that occur when she's around, lust...beauty...perfection in the way she walked...

Edward must have heard these new thoughts come into my head because as soon as she was in my smell, an earspliting cry came from behind me in the small shack. It pierced through the steel frame and into the world, coming with it a million forms of pain, sorrow, and anger.

It lasted 5 minutes. Every small flicker of Alice that popped into my head, brougt on his new mood of agonizing pain or dispair. I couldn't imagine someone having to deal with that day in and day out.

Alice has yet to come and visit me again.


	3. 2 months later

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Disclaimer: IDK what to do with this because everything is so confusing (for those who this applies to, you really should get cracking on the books)

EPOV

There wasn't much to distract me. I was also depriving myself of food for too long. Hunting seemed logical. I was starving and it was something to do. Something to distract my mind. Emmet had to drag me out of the steel hut and into the car, I was too weak to run, to walk, to move. Rosalie sat in the drivers seat and started up the jeep as soon as i was inside the car door.

Rosalie looked in the rear view mirror, took a long stare at the person staring back, and backed out of the drive way. We all looked at her, knowing that using anything close to a mirror to drive was unnecessary but I knew that she only did this to drink my weak, broken posture in, maybe saving it for future memory of what...she...did to me. What became of me. Everyone else thought she was inspecting herself again, not needing to look good in order to hunt, they thought of the gesture as superfluous. She wasn't the type of person to rub my deadness in my face or joke about it the way Emmet would, but she couldn't control her thoughts and apologized many times on her behalf.

They all did. They all apologized many times, all being careful not to say her name. Not to think of her face. Not to hear her voice on their head, although the way they would have remembered it would be unjust to the way her voice actually rolled off her tongue, the way her blood actually rushed to her face creating a scarlet shade, the way her lips would move on mine with eagerness and warmth, extreme warmth. But still they avoided thinking about her at all.

Rosalie was in no mood to keep up with my obvious slow pace as we found the forest edge. Immediately she found an easy kill, and disappeared to trap it. She came back quickly, carrying her catch and holding it up to my hard, dead, black eyes. She mused, "If you gain a little strength now, you might be able to catch one on your own."

I sighed and she brought the bear down onto the ground. I slowly crouched down towards it and found its already broken neck. Then I latched my venomous teeth into the skin, and put pressure allowing me to break through the skin and into a blood vessel.

It took obvious effort to break through the skin, though once I began to drink I could feel the strength returning. I had sucked it dry before I could feel my normal strength return, i needed more.

I stood up, unable to break away from my food source that had been so long out of my reach. Emmet had already found another for me, they were waiting for me to be strong enough to run so we can properly hunt.

I no longer objected as I had previously done before logic hit me. It took 5 full grown bears and a deer to have the strength to run. Even then my eyes stayed a dangerous black until the forest began to rush around me. At least I had no memories of being with her and hunting, no way that this could remind me of her. No connections to the world I stupidly left behind me, to keep her safe. She was safe, she was. There was no more danger for her. I could live now, for there was no more for her to fear . She was...better.

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	4. 3 and a half months later

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from Twilight, though i would very much like to marry one in particular.**

EmmetPOV

Jasper needed to hunt and to get out of the hell hole Edward placed upon himself, so now i was going to guard him. I was totally up for the idea of pulperizing Edward if he tried to escape back to forks. He was so stupid taking himself out of...her life. I would let him go to forks, if Edward hadn't insisted on being locked up before we even left. He brought this on himself.

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I tried to keep my thoughts friendly. Occasionally Edward would snort. He was obviously incapable of laughter though it was nice to hear his emotions. They've been repressed for so long. He had realized some time after hunting that putting himself through such repression of his emotions was unhealthy for him even though if he expressed emotion he was vulnerable to the slightest thing that would remind him of...forks. An owl might remind him of night. He was vulnerable now and we all could tell.

_Hey Edward, you hear that, those are my muscles cracking_

"You self confident bastard, we can all hear that, that is a tree branch!"

He was still pretty sensitive and so sometimes i said the wrong thing. At least he was talking.

_At least your talking now_

"(Snort) i don't know if i can though, keep talking"

_Wanna hear a story?_

"No."

_I'll tell you anyway. This was when you left for Alaska..._I stopped to make sure he was ok. _Me and Jasper made our bets, debating the pros and cons of your decision._

"You debate now Emmet?"

_whatever, anyway me and Jasper were fooling around with the girls but it was in class, you know like flirting from across the room. We made a sort of game out of it. Then the teach turned around and started paying attention to the class because he heard Jasper when he slipped and slurred his words. Anyway the game became much harder but me and Rosalie won that class for most PDA without notice. Too bad you couldn't do that. Bella's just-_

BAM! I heard the metal frame of the shed tremble under the blow and fall on its side revealing the hole that Edward left. He was running off, away from us. In the background you could hear the faint song that Edward sang to himself. Probably to keep himself together, whole...

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EPOV

_I'll tell you anyway. This was when you left for Alaska..._I stopped to make sure he was ok._Me and Jasper made our bets, debating the pros and cons of your desicion._

"You debate now Emmet?"

_whatever, anyway me and Jasper were fooling around with the girls but it was in class, you know like flirting from across the room. We made a sort of game out of it. Then the teach turned around and started paying attention to the class because he heard Jasper when he slipped and slurred his words. Anyway the game became much harder but me and rosalie won that class for most PDA without notice. Too bad you couldn't do that. Bella's just-_

Bella?! Bella?! BELLA?! A million emotions danced in front of me: anger, frustration, sadness, lust, sadness, dispair...

I bolted out the door, or what i thought was a door. I couldn't think, see, hear. Emmet would have noticed and Bella was GONE!? never to see her smile again, her eyes flash when she saw through my pretenses, her cheeks hint at embarrassment whenever she tripped, her hair swoosh around her face, twisting itself in her small cracks and crinkles of her beautiful face, and her scent...

I stopped at a small brook, and held myself. I was crouched down towards the water, one knee on the ground, my arms wrapped around my stomach, head bent forward. I was holding myself together, keeping me whole. I caught my reflection in the stream and saw...a monster. One who was hungry, angry, sad. And one who was limitless, taking itself from those he needs, hurting himself, and his family, who had to deal with the person looking back at me, a pitiful image of what i've become.

My surroundings became clearer. The sun sprinkled rainbows around me. I silently was singing to myself, unconciensiously. There was a small babbling brook in the background, faint but there even to human ears. It was a meadow, perfectly round with nicely trimmed grass and a surrounding forest. The only thing needed was a gorgeous girl sitting across from me, and my golden eyes. In a matter of minutes i shedded my careful numb shell to put myself in old memories, ones that were put away long ago for good reason and are now creeping back to me, only to bring with them emptiness, loneliness, and nothing for me anymore.

If you were deaf, you would be luckey because everyone in a 100 mile radius must have heard the earcracking screech that came from me now. Nothing could replicate the sound of my deafening sound. Many could have thought it was a howl coming from their backyards though I was miles away from civilization. No one dared near me fearing the sound would double in volume though now it was over, yet echoing throughout the state no doubt.

There was no more that could protect my thoughts from creeping back to me, breaking through the barrier that i had created for myself.

Bella

Bella

Bella...

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